The 7 commandments of pub etiquette

Chris Statham
4 min readJun 16, 2018

I reach the Forester’s Arms, and which by the way there will be at least one pub like in your village or town, it’s just a question of whether you know where it is. It might not look much from the outside and, honestly speaking, it’s not much on the inside either, but it’s home, it’s where I meet my family, my lads, so I would rather one pint in the Forester’s than 1,000 poncy martinis with an olive in some flashy lounge inundated with suit wearing tossers, or even worse, a high street atmopshericaless (does such a word exist? If not, it should) chain pub — you get my point. As for tonight, I can’t lie, we may end up at one of those hell holes as that is where most women go; one has to make sacrifices.

Before getting into the specifics of the Forrester, let me first remind those who are not regular visitors to the boozer, an even those who might have forgotten, some of the rules of pub etiquette. The pub holds a special place in British culture and we should respect it as such. Firstly, don’t hassle the bartender. Off course, and as in all walks of life, there are some better than others, but whether they are a student and this there first job, or they are in their later years and doing something just to get them out of the house, respect must always be shown. 2) Once at the bar, you don’t need to shout or wave your arms around as if you are drowning or in other ways act a dickhead; you’ll get served soon enough. 3) Always order slow drinks first — think Guinness. There is nothing more annoying than for the next in line to have to wait for the person in front to take an unjustifiably long time because they don’t know how to order sensibly. 4) Buying rounds is very sensible. It reduces queues at the bar, stops the bar running out of change and is altogether more sociable. 5) Make sure you are not the weasel who orders the most expensive drinks when it’s others round and then a water when it’s theirs. Similarly, don’t make excuses to leave when it’s your turn to do the honors. 6) If your buying snacks, crisps, peanuts, pork scratchings etc, buy plentiful for all and not just for yours (greedy guts) truly. Most importantly, 7) remember that pubs are there for fun, banter, laughing and at other times commiserating. They are social places, so don’t be an arsehole to customers or staff.

Chris Statham

Entrepreneur, student, pie eater, father, novelist, traveler, poet wannabe, pub visitor, husband, rugby enthusiast and part-time wizard.